One of the hardest challenges about being a stepmom is that you’re stepping into a role that comes with its own built-in suspicions, assumptions and double standards. A biological mom can have flaws. She can make mistakes, lose her temper or feel overwhelmed and people will say she’s “doing her best.” She can have a frustrating moment or season with a challenging child and everyone is sympathetic. But a stepmom?
Always the problem.
Everything Can Be Misconstrued
Here’s a silly but great example:
A stepchild tells someone, “My stepmom shoots people.”
Everyone panics. “She what?!”
The extended family starts whispering, assuming the worst.
What the child didn’t say? She’s a photographer.
Another example:
Stepchild: “My stepmom made me sleep on the floor.”
Extended Family: “You poor thing! I knew she never liked you!”
What the child didn’t say?
It was a family campout night in the living room with sleeping bags, popcorn and a movie marathon.
Stepchild: “My stepmom never buys me any nice clothes for holidays.”
Extended Family: “Wow! I knew she liked her biological children better. They are always dressed nicely and the stepchild is always wearing clothes from the thrift store!”
What the child didn’t say? Stepmom offered several nice options all of which the stepchild rejected and had a snarky attitude about all morning. The stepmom didn’t want to be overbearing and she “picked her battles” by conceding to let the stepchild wear the outfit she wanted to wear.
And this is what stepmothers are up against constantly. You can do something kind and it is seen as manipulative. You can say something normal and still feel like you have to justify yourself to people who assume you’re the problem without knowing the entirety of the circumstance.
Relatives Have a Hard Time With a Changing Story
The child already has an established story and family network before you arrive. You’re walking into a movie halfway through and everyone already knows their lines and roles- but things have changed. You’re new. The dynamic is new. It creates new dynamics among people and this change often causes family members who were perfectly content with life before you came around to be disturbed by the changing of roles, schedules and relationships.
If you’re a stepparent, you already know what I mean.
How Can We Overcome the Double Standard?
You are unable able to change the perception of others or determine what they say and do, but you can control your actions and reliance on God. This is HARD to accept. It is the reality, though. You have to focus on the things you are able to control. So here are some things to keep in mind:
1. Remember Who You’re Really Serving
“Whatever you do, do it from the heart, as for the Lord and not for others, knowing that you will receive from the Lord the inheritance as your reward.”
—Colossians 3:23–24
When you serve your family—especially when no one sees or understands it—you are serving Jesus Himself. Every diaper changed, every moment you hold your tongue, every wound offered in silence becomes an act of worship. At times where you struggle with where you fit in your role as a motherly figure, it helps to remember your role as a wife. I may not have a say in this situation with the stepchildren, but how can I support my husband? What can I do to make his life a little easier? How can I be here for him during a hard time? How can I help him learn to establish boundaries. (Pro tip: buy him this book!)
2. Look to Christ, Who Was Misunderstood Too
“He was despised and rejected by men, a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief… yet He bore our griefs and carried our sorrows.”
—Isaiah 53:3–4
Jesus was perfect—and still misunderstood. Judged. Lied about. Rejected. If the Son of God was falsely accused, we shouldn’t be shocked when it happens to us too. He gets it. This is an opportunity for us to align our sufferings with Christ and meditate on what He experienced during His earthly life.
3. Live Not for Their Praise, But for the Glory of God
“So that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a warped and crooked generation. Then you will shine… like stars in the sky.”
—Philippians 2:15
You may never be understood by everyone. You may never be thanked. Your efforts and sacrificed may never be verbally acknowledged, but you are still called to walk in integrity and live righteously. Living honorably will do more in your family’s heart than any explanation or defense ever could. Remember Saint Joseph. He had a quiet obedience. He is a powerful saint, yet we don’t have any quotes from him in scripture!
4. Offer It Up—This Is Your Cross
Instead of fighting to fix every false assumption, you offer it up. This doesn’t mean being a doormat—it means entrusting yourself to the One who sees it all and “letting things go” using the pain as a prayer.
“When he was insulted, he did not return the insult; when he suffered, he did not threaten, but entrusted himself to the one who judges justly.”
—1 Peter 2:23
This is your invitation to follow Jesus in quiet strength. Not passive, but powerful. Interiorly strong. Rooted. Holy. Again, Saint Joseph is an amazing example of this!
The double standard might never fully go away—but your peace doesn’t depend on the world’s fairness. It comes from knowing you’re focused on God’s will, doing what He asks you to do.
Do not think that I have come to bring peace to the earth; I have not come to bring peace, but a sword. For I have come to set a man against his father, and a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law; and one’s foes will be members of one’s own household” —Matthew 10:34-36
You don’t need to be perfect. You don’t need to be acknowledged. You don’t even need to be understood. You just need to be faithful.
Of course, there will be times when you could improve. Times you say something you regret. Times you’re impatient. Times your anger turns to resentment. Go to confession. Begin again. Let your yes be yes, your no be no, and your heart be held by the One who sees you—not as the villain, but as His beloved daughter, walking a narrow, holy, powerful path.